Apparently I have a lot of thoughts going through my head that are related to my blog title. Usually I do not like to share a lick of deep personal information with anyone, but like I have said before in many blogs... writing helps me. I think it is how I figure a lot of things out.
I am not going to say that my whole life has been complete crap, because it hasn't there are people that have it a lot worse off than I do. That being said, I will still not say it was fun; especially my younger years. Many of you probably have at least ONE parent that tried to better your life because you are their child. I cannot really say that is the case for my parents and yes, it is sad, but it is something I have dealt with. I do not think I have actually ever REALLY written about this, but I am ready to. If I don't...I'm worried it will ruin my other relationships, or something. Before I start, I just want to say that I consider myself to be a damn good person. I carry good ethics and I see good in all people and I try my best to rise above anything bad that has ever happened to me and I don't think I could do that if I didn't have all the people in my life that were pushing for me. Onward..
When I was little, I never fully understood how my parents were because well, I was little. I remember wanting friends to hang out at my house, but their parents wouldn't let them and I never understood why. I am not going to explain why in this blog, so you can let your imaginations run wild. When I was 16 I immediately got a job to start earning my own money to buy the things I want. My parents could never afford to do that. They both smoked and such and my mother spent a lot of money on gambling. Again, that being said... she took care of me as far as washing my clothes, feeding me, and making sure I was clean. She did all of those things right. I love my mom for those things. See, my mom has a chemical imbalance in her brain AKA she is bipolar AKA she is crazy (insert humor here). Her thinking is off and that is why things have happened in my life that have messed up my relationship with her. As far as my dad, I have never been close to him and I know that is because his dad was like that - very distant; receiving the occasional hug and "I love you." I could never imagine not hugging my children everyday and telling them "I love you" everyday, but I guess a lot of people are different ... were raised different. Onward ... I have always felt that I was more taking care of my mom than she was taking care of me; I was taking the mother role. I have always been able to keep a job because that is what you have to do to support yourself and I have pushed myself to get through school. I love myself for that. There are been multiple things that my mother has done that I would like to share, but it would be extremely rude to share those things on her behalf. Despite of all the things my parents have done or not done, I still love them because they are my parents. However, I need to stop making excuses for them. If I keep giving reasons why they do the things they do or don't do, I am going to hold myself back. I have been with Brad for about 4 years now and he has been my best friend. We have had our ups and downs, but he has taken better care of me in the past 4 years than my parents have the past 21 1/2 years. I do not think it is because they don't want to, I think they would give me the world if they could...if they could. It hurts a lot to think about all of this in one go. I know that my mother loves me so much and I can tell when I look at her. Like anyone, she has made some bad decisions and so has my dad. In a weird way, I am really happy that they have put me through these things. It shows me what not to do and really appreciate what I have. I am so happy with all of the accomplishments I have made.
Anyway...
I just want to thank every single person that has been a part of my life in the better sense. You guys mean so much to me. Especially my grandparents... they have done SO MUCH that I can never repay them for. Things they should have never had to do. When they were finished raising their children, they had to start raising 2 more... my brother and I. I honestly believe that if it was not for them and their help, I would be that statistic of growing up and being like my parents.
Sorry for the dumpy post, but I had to get it out there... Homework time!
I am not going to say that my whole life has been complete crap, because it hasn't there are people that have it a lot worse off than I do. That being said, I will still not say it was fun; especially my younger years. Many of you probably have at least ONE parent that tried to better your life because you are their child. I cannot really say that is the case for my parents and yes, it is sad, but it is something I have dealt with. I do not think I have actually ever REALLY written about this, but I am ready to. If I don't...I'm worried it will ruin my other relationships, or something. Before I start, I just want to say that I consider myself to be a damn good person. I carry good ethics and I see good in all people and I try my best to rise above anything bad that has ever happened to me and I don't think I could do that if I didn't have all the people in my life that were pushing for me. Onward..
When I was little, I never fully understood how my parents were because well, I was little. I remember wanting friends to hang out at my house, but their parents wouldn't let them and I never understood why. I am not going to explain why in this blog, so you can let your imaginations run wild. When I was 16 I immediately got a job to start earning my own money to buy the things I want. My parents could never afford to do that. They both smoked and such and my mother spent a lot of money on gambling. Again, that being said... she took care of me as far as washing my clothes, feeding me, and making sure I was clean. She did all of those things right. I love my mom for those things. See, my mom has a chemical imbalance in her brain AKA she is bipolar AKA she is crazy (insert humor here). Her thinking is off and that is why things have happened in my life that have messed up my relationship with her. As far as my dad, I have never been close to him and I know that is because his dad was like that - very distant; receiving the occasional hug and "I love you." I could never imagine not hugging my children everyday and telling them "I love you" everyday, but I guess a lot of people are different ... were raised different. Onward ... I have always felt that I was more taking care of my mom than she was taking care of me; I was taking the mother role. I have always been able to keep a job because that is what you have to do to support yourself and I have pushed myself to get through school. I love myself for that. There are been multiple things that my mother has done that I would like to share, but it would be extremely rude to share those things on her behalf. Despite of all the things my parents have done or not done, I still love them because they are my parents. However, I need to stop making excuses for them. If I keep giving reasons why they do the things they do or don't do, I am going to hold myself back. I have been with Brad for about 4 years now and he has been my best friend. We have had our ups and downs, but he has taken better care of me in the past 4 years than my parents have the past 21 1/2 years. I do not think it is because they don't want to, I think they would give me the world if they could...if they could. It hurts a lot to think about all of this in one go. I know that my mother loves me so much and I can tell when I look at her. Like anyone, she has made some bad decisions and so has my dad. In a weird way, I am really happy that they have put me through these things. It shows me what not to do and really appreciate what I have. I am so happy with all of the accomplishments I have made.
Anyway...
I just want to thank every single person that has been a part of my life in the better sense. You guys mean so much to me. Especially my grandparents... they have done SO MUCH that I can never repay them for. Things they should have never had to do. When they were finished raising their children, they had to start raising 2 more... my brother and I. I honestly believe that if it was not for them and their help, I would be that statistic of growing up and being like my parents.
Sorry for the dumpy post, but I had to get it out there... Homework time!
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